These nights remind me of how much my girls supported me and helped me through such a rough time. Some are still helping me 4 months later. It’s a long healing process and my girls are going through it with me making sure I make it through. I can’t thank them enough for being there. I wish I didn’t have to put myself and them through that. But it just shows you who your true friends are. These girls aren’t just friends. They’re my family. I love each and every single one of them.

One sweet day we will be together again Papo and I’m looking forward to that day:) I love you. I know I don’t visit you enough but I know you know how much I think about you. And I’ll try to come visit you in your new home soon:) you deserve it. Knowing you’re watching over me from heaven makes things somewhat easier. I can’t tell you enough how much I miss you. It’s 4 months tomorrow.. and it still feels so surreal. It feels like something like that never happened.. well I’ll talk to you soon papo<3 I love you. Hope you read this.

I honestly miss having dreams where you were there for just a second. It made it so much easier to accept you being gone for that time being. But now there aren’t any signs of you nor are there dreams. And its making it harder for me to accept you’re never coming back. It’s making me realize those dreams were a way of saying goodbye rather than ‘I’m still here just far away.’

I’m having such a hard time with this.

I understand people make mistakes. I’ve been in that position. I know what it feels like to want to be forgiven. But I can’t get to that point yet. Not when it was done to me. I wish it didn’t have to be you to do this. I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know what to do. All I know is it hurts like crazy. I hate that you were the one to do that. I see you and want to cry and strangle you all at the same time. I get sick to my stomach. I wish it wasnt you.. I want to hear you out and give you the respect as I would want of hearing what you have to say, but I have nothing to say to you. Nor am I prepared to handle it coming out of your mouth..

I just want to go back to summer. I was so happy then. Haven’t been in a good place for the past 2 months.